


the conversation

by calvinahobbes



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Era (Phandom), Coming Out, Family Dynamics, Gen, M/M, outsider pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2020-01-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:22:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22084846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calvinahobbes/pseuds/calvinahobbes
Summary: "They had a joke in there. About a sex tape with him and Dan." A fic about Phil's parents and That Conversation.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 34
Kudos: 284





	the conversation

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ahappyphil](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahappyphil/gifts).



> For Keelin! Happy birthday, bb! <3
> 
> Thank you, yikesola, for thoughtful and enthusiastic beta.

On some level Nigel has always known that his youngest son is different. Different and special and good in many and various ways, obviously.

And so it's not exactly a surprise that he's… someone who falls in love with boys. It's something that Kath and Nigel have suspected for a while.

But it is a surprise when Phil shows him what he and this Dan boy were so hard at work on right before Christmas and there's a joke about their sex tape in there.

The clip is very weird and really quite graphic.

Nigel snorts in surprise, some uncomfortable feeling of dread shooting through him. He shifts in his chair and says, "What kind of a thing to say is that?"

Phil has put this on the Internet for anyone to see, and Nigel feels keenly embarrassed for him. Not everyone is kind and understanding about that sort of thing. But there Phil is, making jokes about it.

Phil is silent for too long. When Nigel finally looks at him, he looks about as uncomfortable as Nigel feels. It just manages to register as wrong before Phil mumbles, in a choked up voice, colour high in his cheeks,

"Oh my God, it's just a joke, dad."

"You boys and your jokes," Nigel says, by which he means _you young people and your strange Internet shenanigans_. "Why you find this sort of stuff funny, I'll never fathom."

Phil has that dejected look on his face. Nigel has seen that look too much since he moved home from uni. He hears Kath's words of admonishment in the back of his mind. He knows he needs to reach out more.

"It was a right good story, that was," he says to put the conversation back on track. "Very exciting. I can see why it took so long to make."

Phil's shoulders seem to relax a little, and something inside Nigel unclenches in a similar manner. Phil doesn't exactly smile but he finally looks Nigel in the eye and says, "Thanks, dad."

Nigel nods.

"This wasn't the only ending!" Phil blurts then. "There were loads of them, people sent in all kinds of clips, too, look here's one." His fingers are like lightning across the keyboard, and he pulls up different things on the screen so quickly Nigel can't see what's happening.

Nigel looks at his son as he shakes his dyed black fringe out of his eyes with a familiar toss of the head and wonders if he missed something. Was there an opportunity here and he passed it up?

He wonders about it all day, and he's probably quiet because of it.

Kath thinks Phil is uncharacteristically quiet as well and she comments on it during dinner. "Wore yourself out doing all those videos," she tuts.

"Mum, I'm fine," Phil mutters, but subjects himself to her brushing his hair off his forehead nonetheless.

He disappears back upstairs as usual after dinner, and Nigel knows he'll be up long into the wee hours, tapping away at his computer, talking and laughing on the phone. They've resolved not to say anything, because Phil is grown now, but he can't always stop himself from making a comment about proper bedtimes.

They're sat by the TV, but he can't concentrate on the post-Christmas programming at all.

"Talked to Phil a bit today," he mutters. He's not even sure what he wants to say yet, but that's alright. Kath will hear him out.

"Oh, right?" she says and turns to look at him. "What about?"

He shrugs. "Nothing, really. He showed me that Christmas adventure stuff."

"Oh! Did you like my bit, then?" she makes cat claws of her hands and then laughs.

Nigel can't help but laugh back. She and Phil are equally silly and he loves them for it. But the smile slips off his face quickly. Something is still bothering him.

"They had a joke in there. About a sex tape with him and Dan."

Kath raises her eyebrows, lips rounding in surprise. She didn't know that, then. She stays quiet, waiting for what he means to say about that.

"You don't… suppose they've got a video like that?"

She laughs then, quite loudly, which annoys him. "Oh, darling. I'm sure it's just a joke. Surely they're too wise for that."

"I suppose… this is how we find out, then?" he says slowly.

Kath looks at him. It's silent and persistent and even after thirty years it can still be hard to stay still and let her see the thoughts reflected on his face.

"Are you sorry he didn't tell us outright?" she asks.

He shrugs again. "I dunno. I suppose I just thought…" He stops to gather his thoughts. "I dunno, I thought maybe it got a bit weird."

"When you talked earlier?"

"I don't want him to be embarrassed. But I think he is. And I don't know if it's my doing."

"But you feel it's your doing. Oh, love." She puts her arm around his shoulder and presses their heads together.

Nigel takes her hand. "I know we said we'd wait and let him come to us. But we said that years ago. And we said it again just before Christmas when he told us that Dan boy was coming over again. But maybe we need to nudge him. Let him know we want to hear it."

"Maybe it would help if you didn't always call him 'that Dan boy'," she teases gently. When he ignores her silly comment, she sighs. "But I suppose… if you feel it's right. We can ask him to talk to us."

When they go up to bed, sure enough they see the light from under Phil's door, the murmur of his voice behind it. Nigel thinks of long ago, when both the boys were young enough to still want tucking in. For a moment he wants to knock on the door, poke his head in to say goodnight, but he resists the urge and lets Phil have his privacy.

It's dinner by the time they see Phil again, which isn't unusual. He stays up late and sleeps in to far past the time Nigel and Kath have to leave for work.

They chat about their days, catching each other up, and Nigel thinks it's pleasant enough. Kath must think so too, because she says, idly happy, "Oh, I meant to ask if I should count you in for dinner on New Year's Eve, child."

Phil freezes and looks away for too long. It makes something like worry rear up in Nigel, almost instantly.

"Um. There's this thing. In London. So I'm going to go to that," Phil says.

Nigel frowns, because surely it's not that unusual for Phil to want to go out with friends on New Year's.

"Right. Is it with that Tom fellow from Halloween?" he asks.

Phil's eyes flicker from Kath to him. "Uh, yeah. Only. Dan will be there too and I'm gonna visit him in Wokingham after." The last sentence comes out so fast the words nearly bleed together.

Nigel looks at Kath, who looks back at him. She seems to wait for him to take the lead, but Nigel is too stunned by Phil's nerves to know how to reply.

"That's nice, love," she says in that placating tone that would be sure to always drive Martyn right up the wall. It doesn't seem to have quite as strong an effect on Phil, but he still seems poised for fight or flight.

Nigel clears his throat. "And how long will you be at Dan's place?"

Phil shrugs uncomfortably. "I dunno, just a couple of days."

Nigel nods slowly, trying to find the right words to say--

"It's not like I can't do anything I need to, there," Phil says, defensively. "I'll bring my laptop and I can still send out applications."

Nigel looks at him in some surprise. "Right. Any new postings come up?"

He says it almost by rote, a question he has asked so many times before. He knows before he's done speaking, before Kath has even had time to disguise her cringe, that he has mucked it all up.

Phil sits up straighter, draws in breath, and Nigel is already bracing himself.

"It's Christmas, dad," he says, voice dripping with annoyance and frustration. "Nobody advertises new positions at Christmas."

"Some might," Nigel says, even as he knows it's the wrong thing to say. "Lots of contracts terminating at New Year's."

"Yeah, and so I'll be keeping an eye on those. On my laptop. At Dan's place," Phil says, practically through gritted teeth.

Nigel feels that old familiar sensation of a conversation with his boy slipping away from him, and his parenting instincts kick in in the worst way. "And you won't get in Dan's way? Doesn't he have school?"

Phil gives him a terrifying scowl. "I told you. It's his gap year. And it's fine."

"I think you did say," Kath pipes up. "And does he know where he's going to uni yet?"

"Acceptances aren't until February," Phil mutters.

"But he is planning on going to uni?" Kath asks. Nigel thinks he knows how she plans on salvaging the conversation.

"Of course," Phil scoffs.

"You've talked about… that far ahead, then," Nigel says.

Phil stares at him. It's such a teenager stare that it's quite incredible this boy is almost 23. "Why can't you just trust that I am working on things? I don't plan on being in your house forever." He gets up.

"That's not--"

"Love, we didn't--"

Phil gathers their plates and carries them over to the sink as if for something to do. "Thanks for dinner."

Phil slips out the door quietly, and Nigel sinks back in his chair with an explosive sigh. He looks at Kath, eyebrows raised, and she answers back in kind.

"I suppose we know where the shoe pinches," Kath says eventually.

Nigel nods. "Should we call him down? Try again?"

She shakes her head. "Give him a moment now."

They clear the table and do the dishes. Kath puts on a bit of music, and they hum along, shuffle a few dance steps. It's nice, and it lets Nigel forget about work and resentful (scared) sons for a little while.

They put the news on and watch in companionable silence. Only after that Kath turns to him and puts a hand on his leg. "I'll put the kettle on, if you'll go get him?"

He feels something heavy settle in his stomach immediately. He knows it'll be better if he does it, but that doesn't mean he doesn't wish Kath would sort it all out for him. She's just better at all this than he is.

He makes to get up, but her hand holds him back. She gives him a significant look.

"We want to talk about Dan. We don't want to talk about uni or work or anything like that."

"He was the one who brought it up, not me!"

She merely looks at him.

"He only said it because he knows I'm right. He _ought_ to be looking for work, instead of burning that midnight oil."

"And he knows that. He is. Give him time. Pick your battles." She leans in close, eyebrows drawn in mock threat, shaking his leg back and forth.

He gives her a kiss and gets up. He feels nervous as he walks up the stairs. It's settling in him almost like a chill, a slight shiver down his arms. He takes a deep breath and wishes he didn't dread this conversation so much, but he's just afraid of making a mess of it.

He can hear the low murmur of Phil's voice as he comes near his door. It sounds different, somehow. He can't quite put his finger on what it is. It sounds deeper than it usually does, a quiet, almost intimate lilt to its low buzz.

Nigel stands in the hallway and has a strange moment of realising that his son is a man, grown up and starting to carve out a life for himself. A life that might include loving other men.

He swallows past the sudden lump in his throat and knocks softly on the door. Phil's voice goes quiet. There's a moment's pause before he calls, "Come in."

Nigel knows he uses the computer to talk on, but he is somehow still surprised to see him by his desk and not holding his phone. The screen is dark, which means Phil must have put it that way before he came in. It stings a little, but he ignores it.

"We were wondering if you would come down for a cup of tea and a chat," he says.

He thinks it sounds far too formal, and Phil definitely looks a little spooked, but Nigel doesn't know how else to put it.

Phil looks at him with wide blue eyes for a moment. Then he nods. "Right. Yeah. I will. Just. Give me a minute?" He doesn't quite glance back to his computer, but his body turns towards it nonetheless.

Nigel nods. "Right." He wants to ask if Dan is still on the line. Maybe he should ask Phil to say hello. But that might be weird. "Don't let the tea get cold," he says instead because he does know his son.

"I won't," Phil replies, and at least it is without malice.

Nigel closes the door, and almost immediately Phil is talking again. Nigel forces himself not to listen and goes back to the living room.

Phil doesn't let the tea get cold. He comes down not long after, visibly nervous, hands twitching and twisting. Nigel feels the same way. What a pair they make, he thinks wryly as Phil takes a seat and snatches a cookie from the plate Kath has put out.

"How _is_ Dan?" Kath asks. Nigel hopes Phil can hear the affection in her voice. She really has taken to that boy, to Dan, very quickly.

Phil pulls his legs up on the chair and takes a bite of his cookie. "He's good."

"And was it him you were talking to just now?" Nigel asks, hoping it might prompt a longer answer.

Phil moves his gaze to him. "Yeah." He squirms, almost imperceptibly. "We talk a lot."

"We've noticed," Kath says, smile in her voice. "And you're seeing each other a lot, too?"

Phil unfurls and puts the half-eaten cookie down on the coffee table. "Mum," he says pleadingly. His voice sounds raw, wobbly, and Nigel doesn't know whose hands are shaking most, his or Phil's.

"We want you to know you can tell us anything," Nigel blurts out then. It sounds almost angry it's so forceful.

Kath takes his hand and he squeezes it back hopelessly as Phil stares at them from across the table.

"We're here if you want to talk," Kath says. Her voice is soothing, still, but her palm is clammy against Nigel's. "We want to hear. Anything you have to say. About any special someones."

Nigel thinks he might see tears start to form in Phil's eyes, and he hates it. He wants to make it stop, he wants Phil to smile again, he almost can't stay in his seat for how these emotions are running rough-shod over him.

"I'm," Phil chokes out. "I'm with Dan." It comes out almost like sob.

Kath nearly flies out of her seat and around the table, sinking down next to Phil on the chair and drawing him into a hug. "Oh! Oh that's lovely, dear. That's lovely."

She rocks him, and Phil lets out a single, strange sound somewhere between a sob and a laugh and clutches her arm.

It nearly breaks Nigel's heart.

He has never seen emotion like this in Phil, not when he fell down and hurt himself, not when he cried for a pet. Nigel is afraid for him. He is afraid for all the heartache and misery that might befall his wonderful, special, different son, and it almost overcomes him.

He gets up and goes to them. He leans on Kath, and Phil looks up at him and says, "Dad."

He thinks his heart does break then. He puts his hand on Phil's head and says, "Shh, you're alright. Shh." He doesn't know he's crying until the tear falls onto his cheek.

Phil hides his face against Kath's breast. For another moment they all just huddle in this strange hug.

Then Kath gasps out a breath and lets go of Phil, wiping her eyes and leaning back against Nigel. Her weight feels heavy and limp for just a moment. Then she squeezes Phil one final time and slips out from between them.

"Now!" she says as she takes her seat on the sofa again. "Look at us being silly. Will you tell us about him, sweetie?"

Phil sits up a bit and looks up at him. Is it doubt on his face still? For a moment they look at each other silently. Then Nigel nods at him and gives him a smile. He doesn't know what else to do, but it seems to be enough. Phil smiles back and reaches for his abandoned cookie.

Nigel takes one for himself and goes to sit next to Kath, selfishly drawing her under his arm and holding her close.

"I like him. A lot-a lot," Phil says shyly.

"I think we could tell," Kath says with a smile.

Phil looks up at her. "You could?"

"Yes, love. From how you talk about him." He thinks Phil might blush a little. "And how much he's been coming 'round," she teases. "All the way from Wokingham."

Phil makes a wry face as if he might have thought as much. "We just… miss each other."

"I remember that feeling," Kath says and squeezes Nigel's hand. "It's a good feeling," she says, and Phil looks at her with such relief and devotion that it almost makes Nigel cry again. By God, she is a good woman.

"Yeah." Phil says. He's perking up ever so slightly. "Everything is just fun with him." He glances briefly at Nigel. "We have fun."

"Oh, we could tell when he was here last," Kath laughs.

"He seems fun," Nigel agrees. Phil's eyes switch to him immediately. He seems almost hungry for… something. Nigel clears his throat and tries to give it. "He seems like… a very good young man."

"He is," Phil nods eagerly. "He's so good. He's so…" he tapers off again. "Smart, and funny, and. We're happy."

"And that makes _us_ happy," Kath says promptly. Nigel nods mutely against the lump that is growing again in his throat.

Phil jumps then and squirms in his seat. "Oh." He pulls his phone out of his pocket and glances at the screen, then up at them. "That's him."

"Will you tell him hello from us?" Kath asks, voice full of emotion still.

Phil smiles and nods. He keeps typing and typing, the vibrations of the incoming messages audible in the quiet of the room.

"He's…" Phil frowns.

"Worried?" Nigel asks, laughing a little.

Phil is typing out another message, thumb zooming over the screen, but he glances up in surprise at that. He shrugs. "Yeah."

It seems silly now, but fifteen minutes ago Nigel was definitely worried too. He knows, but right now he can't imagine why. "I hope you'll tell him there's nothing to be worried about," he says.

Phil nods and finishes typing. "It's different for him," he says and looks up at Nigel.

It makes a new spike of worry jab into his heart immediately. This life might be dangerous and complicated for Phil. Not all people are kind. If Dan's people aren't kind, that's going to affect Phil too. And Phil is going there in just a couple of days.

"Dad," Phil says, as if it all stands writ across his forehead. "It's okay."

Nigel nods, willing himself to trust his son's judgment.

"You know you can call me, anytime," he says.

He knows Phil isn't just going 'round to Ian's house for a sleep-over. He knows that technically he couldn't do anything if Phil called in the middle of the night from south of London, but by God he'd still get in his car and drive.

Phil smiles, and suddenly Nigel thinks he hasn't seen Phil's genuine smile in ages. His eyes crinkle and his tongue twists a little in that characteristic way he has always had.

Then he laughs outright, almost as if it's a relief. "Would you come pick me up from Dan's house?"

"Yes," Nigel says, gruffly and without a moment's hesitation. "I would."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. [Like/reblog on tumblr.](https://calvinahobbes.tumblr.com/post/190136142400)


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